Late Night with Jimmy Fallon quotables from March 15 - March 19, 2010.
"On Saturday, the Chicago River was dyed green in honor of St. Patrick's Day. Also in honor of St. Patrick's Day, New York's East River will remain green."
"There's a lot going on in Washington. In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama called for an overhaul of the "No Child Left Behind" law. It will now be called, "The World Needs Janitors Too."
"President Obama talked about healthcare reform at a senior center in Strongsville, Ohio today. The most common question he got? "When's bingo?"
"Yesterday on "Meet the Press," Tom Brokaw referred to health care reform as a "kerfuffle." If you thought passing health care was hard, trust me - it's ten times harder for Brokaw to pronounce "kerfuffle."
"New York Governor David Paterson is still under fire. In his new interview, Governor Paterson said he hired a criminal defense lawyer not because he's guilty of anything, but to get "the best possible advice." Yeah, that sounds believable. That's like telling your girlfriend you got an STD test just because you were bored."
"A J. Crew store here in New York is in trouble for not hiring transgender people. They're denying it - they're saying it's just a case of he/she said, she/he said."
"You guys excited for March Madness? My favorite part is actually seeing the different mascots. You know, the kids under those costumes are like, "We did it! We did it!" And the players are like, "Uhhh, WE did it. You dressed up like an orange."
"There's a new program called "HuddleHub" that manages all of your fantasy sports teams. They call it the perfect solution for someone who's too lazy to keep track of being too lazy to play actual sports."
"There's been some crazy weather, huh? The storm here was so bad that some New Jersey residents had to evacuate due to concerns over flooding. Experts say water levels haven't risen this fast in New Jersey since the last time Snooki got into a hot tub."
"In May, Germany is going to open an 11-mile hiking trail for people who want to hike in the nude. Well, it's 11 miles long, but guys are bragging that it's 13."
"Who here has filled out a March Madness tournament bracket? I'm a perfectionist, so I like to fill it out AFTER the tournament."
"I love watching students cheer on their schools. It must be great seeing your kid drunk and shirtless on TV with their school colors painted on their chest. Dad's like, "Well, what can I say - she's my daughter and I love her."
"As you know, the NCAA Tournament whittles the field down from 65 to 32 to 16 to 8 to 4 teams to 2 to 1. It's a lot like "American Idol," except the winner doesn't have to spend the next five years signing autographs at the mall."
"Did you hear about this? Mike Tyson is going to star in a new show on Animal Planet about the sport of pigeon racing. So at least we've finally answered the question, "What planet is Mike Tyson on?"
"A woman in Britain used the fat on her stomach to grow her own breast implants. So the next time someone calls you fat, just say, "Hey, it's not fat - it's future-boob."
"Facebook is going to open its first offices in India. Yeah, Indian Facebook is a little different. Under "Help," it just says "Seriously? You live in India. You fix it yourself."
"Actually, a new study found that Facebook now is the most popular website in the U.S. And hey, MySpace is still the 30th most popular website at MySpace headquarters."
"Did you guys see the GQ pictures of John Edwards' mistress, Rielle Hunter? Today she called them "repulsive" and said she trusted GQ's photographer to take classy photos. Yeah, because anytime I'm on a bed in nothing but a dress shirt and underwear, next to a Dora the Explorer doll, I think: this is gonna look CLASSY!"
"C-SPAN is uploading 23 years of video on the Internet. Or, if you want to get the sensation of watching 23 years of C-SPAN, just watch two minutes of C-SPAN."
"A new study found that dancing comes naturally to babies. Their favorite place to "get their freak on?" All up in their crib."
"Spencer Pratt is leaving "The Hills" to study software engineering at USC. Producers of "The Hills" called it a "huge blow," while the president of USC called it a "huge blow."
"Happy St. Patrick's Day! It was a beautiful day here in New York for the St. Patrick's Day parade - over 60 degrees outside! I guess it's just that old "Luck o' the Global Warming."
"Interesting fact: In Ireland, St. Patrick's Day is meant to honor St. Patrick, who drove out all the snakes. Kind of like how here in America, we honor St. Samuel L. Jackson."
"And as you know, in Irish lore, leprechauns hide their pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. But here in New York, things are a little different - at the end of the rainbow, there's just a gay bar."
"Today, Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced that he will vote for President Obama's health care bill. The one condition is that Obama had to carry him on his shoulders so he could see the St. Patrick's Day Parade."
"Top officials believe that Kim Jong-il is going to die in the next three years. I was gonna send him something, but Hallmark was all out of their "Heard experts are predicting your death" cards. It's in the Shoebox Collection."
"Congratulations to the Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions, who beat Winthrop in the opening round of the NCAA tournament. Now they get the great honor of being blown out by Duke on Friday."
"There's a new iPhone app for doctors that takes them through a checklist of how to treat a heart attack patient. It's expected to sell well, but not as well as their other app, "list of doctors to avoid because they downloaded the 'heart attack app."
"President Obama went on Fox News tonight to pitch his plan for health care reform. Obama going on Fox News? That's like John Edwards going on "The Marriage Ref."
"It's March Madness AND we have Gene Simmons the show tonight. I don't know about you, but I've never had more of an urge to paint my face."
"We've had some great match-ups so far: BYU vs. Florida... Old Dominion vs. Notre Dame... Obama vs. Fox News."
"One of President Obama's childhood friends just found a photo of Obama as a schoolboy taken more than 40 years ago. Yeah, it's just him and some kids, playing little Barack's favorite schoolyard game: "Give the Speech."
"I don't know if you guys knew this, but Obama was a great ball player when he was a kid. But naturally, the other team never let him pass anything."
"A Wal-Mart employee in Michigan was fired after he tested positive for medical marijuana. Yeah, customers at his store were like, "I knew the official greeting wasn't 'Wassup bro?'"
"Blockbuster said it might have to file for bankruptcy if it can't pay off its debts. Which means my strategy of holding on to "Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver" for nine years just might pay off."
"There was some big Tiger Woods news today explicit text messages from Tiger to a porn star were posted on the Internet. In one text, Tiger wrote, "I would wear you out." I know, right? The only time I've ever said "I would wear you out" was when I was talking to a sweater I really liked at Macy's. "I would wear you out. I'd wear you right out of this store."
"Speaking of dirty text messages, two flight attendants in the United Arab Emirates were sentenced to three months in jail for sending each other sexy text messages. It was really filthy: He said he was in the "upright position," then she said "Would you like to sit in my exit row?" then he said, "Sorry, I just boarded early."
"You enjoying March Madness? I'm so pumped for this weekend. My friends are coming over - we're gonna pound some beers, paint our faces, and watch the health care vote go down on C-Span."
"I've been watching the NCAA Tournament, and there've been some huge upsets. In fact, sports writers said Ohio's win over Georgetown was the first time a #14 seed beat a #3 seed since 2006. Since 2006? Is that such a huge deal? It's like "Dude, you don't understand, the last time this happened, 'LOST' was on TV, Beyonce was popular, it was like, crazy stuff."
"Some movie news: "Repo Men" came out today, starring Jude Law as a guy who rips out your internal organs if you can't pay for them. Or as we call that in the U.S., your insurance company."
"Speaking of health insurance, the Democrats are working overtime to get 216 votes to pass health care on Sunday. Which means Rahm Emanuel is prowling the showers like the head of a prison gang."
"There's a new technique that lets doctors perform kidney transplants in 45 minutes. Beause when you're getting a kidney transplant, your main concern is always "How long is this going to take? Can you do it in less than an hour? Beause I've got to watch the Glee repeat."
"I just read about a retirement home in Mexico that caters exclusively to older prostitutes. And you thought you hated visiting YOUR grandmother. It's rough over there. Whenever the residents win bingo money, they have to pay 70 percent to a pimp."
"In California, a 9-year-old boy and an 11-year-old girl helped deliver their baby brother when their mother unexpectedly went into labor. The daughter says she's glad she was able to help, and the son, he hasn't said much since the most horrifying day of his life."
"A man in Switzerland escaped from a transsexual brothel after a fire forced him to jump out the window. He was released with minor injuries, and went home to his wife and experienced MAJOR injuries."
"Time Warner officials in North Carolina have apologized for mistakenly airing previews for the Playboy Channel on two children's networks. Kids watching TV at the time were shocked to learn just how much "exploring" Dora was into."